Deb's is preggers - up the duff - with child and not only that but will be...

A SINGLE MUM.

'Nothing wrong with that.' I said trying to reassure my trembling friend this morning.
'I can't be.' She wailed rather loudly down the phone.
'And you say you have err, absolutely no idea who the father is?'
'I think he's called Brian... or was it Billy?'
'Ok-ay.'
'See you're judging me already.'
'Not judging, just trying to help.'
'I can't believe this.'
'Do you know anything at all about him?'
'Erm... oh well he said he worked in Tesco.'
'In Tesco?'
'Yeah.'
'Which one?'
'Don't know.'

And this was the moment my best friend of ten years, wiped her tears, patted her still rather flat tummy and vowed to stalk every single Tesco store until she found the father of her un-born child.

Ah, well Stu's boiler has been fixed and so now he's gone back home - not that he was using me or anything, he just wants to make sure it's working.
I could have gone with him if I wanted to but.... OK, I couldn't have gone with him because we'll he was doing something...

I haven't been used - I haven't been used -

Who am I kidding? I've been used - AGAIN.

I will not be a pathetic female and start crying - nope, I swear these tears are because I've just watched Chicken Run.
It is a very sad film actually.

Stu and I are blissfully in love again, well I think we are.
He's been staying with me since the weekend and not just because the boiler's packed in at his flat.

'What body shape would you say you are?' He asked, flicking through a Trinny and Suzannah leaflet I meant to throw away.
'Err, I think I'm a pear shape.'
'What - small boobs, long waist, flat tummy, saddlebags and heavy legs?' He asked reading out the stupid leaflet.
'Oh, I don't know then.'
'I think you're a skittle.'
'A skittle?'
'Average boobs, slim waist, OK tummy, big thighs and chunky calves.'

Brilliant. Thanks Trinny and Suzannah - you really know how to make a lady feel attractive.

'You're not one of those... you know?' Mother asked me on the phone this morning.
'One of those what?'
'You know... lady lovers?'
'Lady what?'
'Lesbian.' She whispered.
'Why are you whispering?'
'Are you?'
'What?'
'A lesbian?'
'No I am not.'
'Oh thank God. Bert,' she shouted to my dad. 'Lexi says she's not a lesbian.'
'Good-good.' I heard him mumble.
'What made you think I am?'
'No reason, must dash darling. Your fathers socks won't darn themselves.'
With that she hung up.

A lesbian? What on earth made her think that?
It's not like I'm partial to wearing dungarees on a weekend or anything.

Well there's nothing else for it. Must get Stu round immediately, if only to de-butch me.
Blame my mother.

Dale (Office Totty) left a choc chip muffin on my desk for me today.
Why did he leave it? Is it a signal, a sign?
He's going to ask me out, I can just feel it.

'Did you get your cake?' He mumbled to me at the coffee machine in the break room.
'Yes... I did.' I flicked my hair over my shoulder and giggled a little too loudly. 'Thanks.'
'Oh don't thank me. Gordon asked me to deliver one to everyone, some form of motivational tactic or something.'
'Oh.' I laughed like a loon. 'Brilliant, just brilliant, ha-ha-ha.'
'Whatever,' he shrugged and stepped away from the psycho.

Happy new year and all that.

OK, so it's gone by in a blur and I've got nothing to show for it but an empty bank account, but it's the start of a new year and I'm going to make some changes.

No 1: I will arrive at work on time every single day.

No 2: Sick days will be used as an emergency only.

No 3: I will stop wasting my time crying over Stu - Stu who? You see, it can be done.

No 4: I will transform myself from the office drunk, bike and slapper and be known as the office - err, well I'll just keep work and social stuff separate.

No 5: I will go to the gym, just as soon as I've got through the last three Christmas selection boxes.

Yes, definitely the start of things to come.

Outfit update:

The new sexy knee high boots I bought today just got stuck round my fat legs, stopping all blood circulation, I swear I almost fainted.

I'm now writing this with my legs dangling in to my chest freezer. I just thought, I'll be wearing bowling shoes at the do, and bowling shoes absolutely do not go with the outfit I have planned.

If ever there were a crisis, this is one.